Empty craddles

[Xeenah]

Ironic, how we sometimes stumble across something that just hits the nail on the head.  Or twist the blade in, for that matter...

I'm more the hermit now than I've ever been.  I've always preferred to work behind the curtains, away from the spotlights.  I like to get things done, not to endlessly babble about getting them done...  I've always been the warrior, the door ram, the ice breaker, the straight talker.  I've tried to cultivate open-mindedness, compassion, justice, courage, fairness, selflessness, dedication.

I never thought I'd do what I do now.

Working for the Council is, in a way, very stimulating.  I'm happy whenever a new clan joins.  I'm happy when I see them take their place among the other clans.  This is what it was meant for.  It's not my platform, but theirs...  I'm there to make sure the gears are oiled, so that they can do what they're in for: be stronger, together, clans and legacy clans, and fight back.

So, there I am, reviewing paperwork, checking files and updating information, contacting, scheduling...  And when I'm done, I travel and fly around Ka, or cross through Jobe to the Shadowlands for a hike or a hoverboard kick...  Then I come back home.

That's when it hurts the most.

Of course, it hurts when I go to our city.  I lay my eyes on the picnic table near the river and remember the conversations I've had with Cord, Var, when we'd buff up and hop in the whompah, when I promoted an unsuspecting member...  I see the land where we laughed, argued, trained combat, gathered, held parties.  The HQ, on the other shore of the river, reminds me of so many people, and a box of Virgin Chocolates left on the floor...  I still have a hard time making new friends.  I don't easily trust people, I've seen too much betrayals, or deaths, or simply, departures.  They still live in me.

Of course, it hurts.  But when I go back to Jobe and open the door of the apartment...  My heart just snaps, every time.  I walk the hallway to the kitchen.  No coffee or breakfast is waiting for me anymore.  There's no tool left on the table.  The living room has no flowers left, no horror holovid playing, even if I didn't like them... 

Kotras, Kieran and Sai are gone.  I can't sleep in my bedroom anymore.  The bed is so big, and so empty.  No pair of socks hanging on the sideboard of the bed, no milk bottles for the babies in the mini-fridge...  Kotts' scent has vanished from the pillow, the twins' scent has deserted the tiny bedsheets.  Their voices are only coming through the screen we exchange wave calls...

It takes everything ounce of courage I have not to leave.  It's harder because I know Kotts made the right decision...  And he's preparing a nest for us.

January will be my last Council.  I have so much to do...  But when I'm done, I hope, just like him, that I'll leave something behind that will help the Clans in their struggle.  If they only remember why Clans were born, it will already be a lot.

I know what I want to leave behind.  I don't know how I'll do it, or if I'll be able to do it.  I give myself until the January Council.  After that...  I'm going to leave Rubi-Ka and join my loved ones.  It feels so empty without them.

[Xeenah]

Ironic too, when you expect things to take a direction, then see them take another.  Or, when something that you hope for starts coming true.  As I often say: "Careful what you with for, it could be granted".

My main activity, lately, is the Council of Truth.  I don't go out, I don't travel, I just sometimes go out on a hike in a quiet place, outdoors preferably.  Cord would approve.  The rest of the time, I read, think and write.  The last two are likely the most dangerous of my activities.  Going outdoors is not really dangerous - I can handle myself.

I have recently seen some life come back at the Council.  Those who are usually standing by remotely can keep saying that it's near dead and such...  But the idea is starting to get across: the Council is made of the Clans who join it, for the Clans who join it.  It can never be a real government for the Clans, because of the nature of the Clans.  We're Clans because we don't like to be told how we must think, act, be, by a corporation who uses us as livestock, let alone care about us.

The common basis of the Clans, the reason why they formed, is because of the way Omni-Tek is acting toward their citizens.  The conditions were horrible, threats to people's safety were real but it was "all in the interest of progress"...  Progress my grey arse.  Progress of the Omni-Tek shares on the market, sure.  Aside from that, they can bite me.

The Clans have more in common than they like to remember.  Along the way, however, one has focused so much on defending their own identity that they lost touch of the common goals of the Clans and the need to stand together to achieve anything.  This desperate need to protect one' s identity, possibly born from the uniformization of the citizenship under Omni-Tek's domination, has a perverse side effect: to forget the common basis shared by the Clans.

I think it's time to remember.

But before that, we should make sure the Clans who are still listed with the Council have the intention of being active in it.  Many have gone idle, and possibly just left without notifying us.  A roster that reflects the reality will at least have the advantage of knowing where to refer people to, if they are interested in the Council or looking for a clan who takes part in the Council.

I think it's time to dust it off.

But before that, I must continue to work on the Manuals.  Then, we'll be equipped to run together in a more fair and consistant manner.

And even before that...  I must eat, and start packing.  It's been too long since I saw my loved ones.  I will be back for the Council, but I need to go.  I'll try to get a wave through to Mars to let them know I'm coming, I hope it'll work.  The last attempts have been unsuccessful...  It's damn hard to find a good fixer around, nowadays, even less a reliable one.

[Xeenah]

Oh, how ironic!

The reason Kotras had left with the kids, in the first place, was to make sure they would be safe.  As it turns out, they're not safer than they would be if they were here.

After what happened to his dad, Kotras realize that he was actually more helpless on Mars than he would be on Ka.  Here, he's a fixer.  A guy who finds stuff and blaze across cities and fields and occasionally into some trees.  *chuckles*  But back on Mars...  Granted he's resourceful and definitly has an attitude, but there's no nanoformula there that he can rely on.  There, he's just an average guy, with a reputation among the local Pols.  Some cheered him, some hate his guts.  The later will likely become a problem.

My visit, for Christmas, was the opportunity to say what we had to say.  It wasn't an easy decision to make.  None of them are easy, considering our situation.

This is the kind of irony I love, just as I was approaching the deadline I had set myself to decide if I would stay on Rubi-Ka or move back to Earth or live on Mars...

My family is back.  Ka is our home.  I can now look forward to going back home in Jobe, instead of carefully avoiding it.

When I saw Kotts walk down the hallway of the shuttle port, Sai craddled in his left arm, Kieran strapped in the carrier on his chest...  Yeah, well, I cry sometimes *chuckles*  But they were tears of joy.  Pure, raw, intense and overwhelming joy.  I thought my heart would burst.

I didn't really notice, in our vid messages, but Kotras has a few new wrinkles.  When I touched his face, we were a long moment without talking, then Sai started to squeel happily and Kieran kicked me as he was batting his legs joyfully. *chuckles*

During the trip back from the shuttleport, I held Sai in my arms, Kieran was all strapped in the child carrier...  It felt so overwhelmingly good!  But I realized I couldn't hold them both at once anymore.  They've grown so much.  Their faces, traits...  But the eyes remained pretty much the same.  It wasn't too much of a shock to see them, thanks to vid coms.

When we got back home, tears started swelling in my eyes.  I was coming back home with all my family.  I took the kids in...  Oh dear gods, Kieran can stand and I'm sure he's gonna walk soon.  I went to the bedroom and played on the bed with them.  The sheer animal contact, the primal instinct of holding my babies in my arms.  Nothing can compare to this.

Poor Love...  He had to carry the baggages inside on his own, but he was smiling and never made even the slightest protest when he saw what I was doing.  Baggages could wait.

It's been almost 2 weeks now since they moved back in.  At first, it was strange, because they were not here long enough that I could get used to sounds they make when they sleep.  They sleep in the bedroom craddle.  But while Kotts sleeps like a baby, I keep waking up from every little noise they make. *chuckles*

Having them back gives me a renewed boost of energy.  I couldn't help wondering how Silverstone managed after his family was killed.  I'm glad I have the chance to see them return.

So, things are settling back to, err, normal *laughs*  Some of our little habits came back, with some new ones.  The pace of the twins is more like ours, now that they're almost one year old.  They eat solid food, they sleep at night.  I'm starting to adjust to them and they seem to adjust fine here.

Kieran is sneaking everywhere, little turd.  He's gonna be something when he actually starts walking...  Sai doesn't seem as curious of things as her brother.  She doesn't look everywhere like him, but she seems to focus on watching and following us around.  I don't know how to explain it, just saying "odd" is vague.  But there's a presence to her, I don't know...  It reminds me of –

Oh.  That would explain it, wouldn't it...